


A memory's bliss

by DoctorBlindsy



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 21:56:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11067909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorBlindsy/pseuds/DoctorBlindsy
Summary: A little head cannon I have. Nothing more.





	1. Chapter 1

A cool evening breeze swept across the upper ramparts of the Kirkwall circle of Magi as the first hints of sunset began to transform the cityscape. “The Gallows” as the building was known, was certainly an apt nickname for it given the atmosphere of hatred and bitterness that hung over it like a thick fog. Yet here, as the sun set it was at peace. At least for the moment.

Knight-Captain Cullen paused as he came through the door, at first to take in the view, before his gaze shifting to the ramparts lone occupant. A woman stood at the wall, leaned forward and clearly taking in the scenery. He could tell from her attire that she was a mage, dressed in simple robes, bearing the colours of the Ostwick circle. He let the door swing closed, knowing the heavy thud would alert her to his presence. 

As he predicted she turned and looked at him, her light blue eyes catching his. She then turned back to the horizon, speaking softly as she did,“have you come to tell me to return to my quarters Knight Captain?” her tone was measured and even, a practised skill he imagined.

He shook his head, moving slowly to the wall to join her, “there are no rules preventing people from being up here, so why would I?”

Even without seeing her face, her tone conveyed a certain defiance he was sure her expression displayed, “that answer was more reasonable than I was lead to believe you were capable of being Knight-Captain.”

He scowled, “is that so?” he bristled at her words, “that is far more unfair an assertion than I was lead to believe a mage from Ostwick was capable of, if I may say.”

She turned to him now, raising an eyebrow, “is that so?” she parroted. 

His eyes locked to her’s now the amber colour doing nothing to veil the frustrated annoyance that seemed to only be mounting. She raised an eyebrow, her smile vanishing, “forgive me Knight-Captain, you are correct. That comment was beneath me. I’m sure you get enough sass from the mages here.”

Cullen smirked in spite of himself, “that’s a fair judgment. I also apologise for my original tone. It has been a long day, what with the added preparations for you and your colleagues to arrive.”

Her smile returned, “I’m sure your Knight-Commander had to prepare her best “behave yourselves” lecture in front of a mirror for hours.”

Cullen couldn’t hold back his laughter before rubbing the back of his neck, “shh,” he cautioned, “don’t let her hear you say things like that. Nor should I be allowing it. They’d excommunicate me that instant.”

She grinned and winked up at him, “we wouldn’t want that.”

He studied her now as she now stood facing him, seemingly all but abandoning her original view. She stood short with a small frame, her round face framed by pale blond shoulder length hair. Her eyes seemed to hold him, lost in their icy blue depths. Her skin, clear and clean, save for the faint freckles that were scattered across her cheeks and nose was a very slightly tan. 

He folded his arms, smirking still, “are you this liberal with your sarcasm in your own circle as well, or am I just lucky?”

She poised, “unlike you Knight-Captain, they don’t seem to enjoy it as much.”

He rolled his eyes, “you and I have a very different definition of “enjoyment” clearly.”

She chuckled and took a step toward him, “your eyes, a moment ago, would seem to betray you -- Ser Cullen.”

Her proximity caused him to step back, the way she said his name caused his ears to burn as hot blush crept up his neck and cheeks. She laughed , noticing how awkward she had made him before graciously giving him back his space. 

“I should visit Kirkwall more often…”she quipped. 

Cullen swallowed hard, “I fear that might only hasten the excommunication process.”

She turned back to the sunset, leaning on her elbows. After a moment of recovery, Cullen joined her. They stood in silence as dusk began to settle. He’d not felt this relaxed in quite some time and he reveled in every second of it. Out of nowhere, she spoke, her previous jovial tone seeming to fade away.

“We aren’t all like them you know…” she said softly, causing him to look at her with a confused expression.

“Who?” he posed.

“Us. Me. Mages. I overheard you the other day in the courtyard when you spoke to the Champion. “Mages cannot be treated like people. They aren’t like you and me.” Those were your words Knight-Captain.”she replied.

He turned from her, looking down at his hands, “so they were…”

She turned to face him, “you bare the look of a man who has been through a great deal. Given that you are a Templar, I will imagine most of that suffering has been at the hands of others with my abilities. But the capacity to perform magic is where our similarities end.”

He turned and met her gaze, “surely you cannot deny that every mage is capable of the same depravity as those who actively practice blood magic.”

She shook her head, “of course I don’t. I lose no sleep over the mages who chose to succumb to that. However you must understand these are the last acts of desperate people.”

Cullen turned to look out over the city once again, “or it is simply more power seized at the first opportunity.”

His tone was bitter and his jaw clenched. Whatever had happened to him had wounded him deeply. Her brow furrowed, “you clearly have suffered, and while I am not the mage that hurt you, I hope you know that not all of us are willing to stoop so low. And how this circle is handling that is not helping.”

He turned back to her, noting her expression. She looked genuinely concerned which was certainly not a look he was accustomed to getting, “I -- will take your words into consideration.”

She chuckled softly, “that was very diplomatic Ser Cullen.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, her words having struck him a bit harder than she clearly perceived. 

It had turned dark, the day’s last light fading as the torches around the city were being lit. They stood in this moment before she turned and reached into a small leather satchel that rested at her side and withdrew a small leather bound book. It was old, its pages yellowed and tattered around the edges. She smiled warmly and extended the book to him. He tilted his head in obvious confusion.

“It’s for children, but it was the one thing I took with me when I was brought to the circle. It’s about a little boy who is followed by a monster that wants to eat him. He goes on a journey to find out how to overcome it. I used to read it whenever I was sad. “She smiled wistfully, “it might seem silly, but it may help you too.”

Cullen looked down at the book, a small smile creeping up, and he shook his head, “I cannot accept this. It belongs to you.”

She grinned wider, “consider it a loan then Knight-Captain.”

He chuckled as their gazes met once more, “and if we never see each other again?”

“Then consider it a gift.”

He sighed and took the small book his expression that of amused defeat. “As you wish.”

“Eseld!” an older woman’s voice sounded from the door. They both turned to see a kindly looking mage, “come inside girl! You’ll freeze.”

Eseld looked up at the Templar before her, flashing him a charming smile, “I’m afraid I can’t play anymore. My mother is calling.”

He watched her go, as the older mage passed him a polite nod as she ushered the younger woman in. He shook his head, suddenly lamenting he had not been sent to Ostwick instead.


	2. Yet another.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A follow up. More to come... Unfortunately.

Since coming off the Lyrium, Cullen had noticed fragments of his past when he had been using it, were blurred, hazy and sometimes completely blank. Most of the worst bits he could excuse, but there were some things he knew hadn’t been entirely unpleasant. He had made a couple of friends amongst the Templars, albeit not many. Their names were guesses at best however, so tracking them down turned out to be harder than he had hoped for. 

As he sat in his office, for some reason his mind journeying back to Kirkwall. He had found that it had been doing that frequently lately. He couldn’t say why as it held very little in the way of fond feelings. He had found some books on the subject of memory loss and was currently reading about it. 

“In the instance of a loss of a particular memory, the mind will oft try and retrieve the nearest possible clue as to its subject. This is usually triggered by an external factor: a person, place or object that has indicated to the brain that this stimulus is attached to a lost period of memory. “

He sighed and closed the book before leaning back in his chair, his eyes closing. He pondered what might be causing his mind to try to reach for whatever it was trying to retrieve. He had worked hard to put Kirkwall behind him and had made great strides to get on with his life. He owed much of that success to those who supported him. The Inquisition’s inner circle knew everything now and were a constant support to him. Even moreso, the Inquisitor herself. 

He smiled as his thoughts fell to her. She was as kind as she was loyal, having both traits in equally large portions. She was a mage with the mind of a soldier who was never afraid of taking on impossible odds. Over the past few months, they seemed to have become closer as they tracked Samson and his Red Lyrium caravans throughout Orlais. He delighted in her company, a sentiment she seemed to share. He looked forward to her return to Skyhold for a game of chess, or simply a chat over some ale at the tavern. 

A sudden knock at the door shook him from his thoughts and he sighed, “enter”

A young male courrier pushed open the door. He was not of the Inquisition, but instead of the Kirkwall city guard. He recognised the lad right away and greeted him with a smile.

“Recruit Green,” he stepped forward, extending his hand, “a pleasure to see you well.”

Green flashed a toothy grin, “it’s Lieutenant now actually, “he proclaimed proudly.

Cullen beamed at the soldier, “well done Lieutenant.” he gestured to the seat across from his, “what brings you to Skyhold?”

Green looked a bit disappointed and shook his head, “I’m afraid I cannot stay, much as I would like to. I’ve something for you though Commander.”

Cullen folded his arms, leaning back against his desk,”is that so?”

He nodded, “aye Ser. Firstly I bring word from Guard Captain Avaline. She will be sending fifty men from the city guard to you. We have seen our numbers bolstered robustly in the last several months thanks to the joined efforts of the Templars and the City Guard. She felt it only right to repay the favour. We will keep the recruits and she has decided to send you fifty of our more veteran officers.”

Cullen’s eyes widened, “that is quite a gesture. I will be certain to write her with my thanks most hastily. “he paused, “you said “firstly”?”

Green dug into his pack, drawing out a small package. It was wrapped in parchment paper and held closed by twine. He could see his name had been scrawled across the front of the package as Green extended it to him. He took it, puzzled.

Green explained, “we have finally finished our inventory of what was left within the Gallows Ser. This was found in a desk in your old quarters. As you can probably guess, the Templar dorms were quite damaged, so the process was slow. Either way, we assumed it was yours, and so I was asked to bring it with me when I delivered the Guard Captain’s message.”

Cullen placed the package behind him and smiled warmly at the Lieutenant, “I am glad to see you well Green, “he sighed, “I need more good news far more often.”

Green laughed, “If our numbers continue to grow as they have, you will likely see me again . It’s good to see you Commander, I must make for Kirkwall and I will pass on your regards to the Captain.”

With that, Green turned and left the office, taking care to close the door behind him. Cullen returned to his seat, picking up the small package and turned it over again and again in his hands. No longer willing to simply guess at its contents he pulled at the twine. The bow came undone easily and he pulled back the paper.

Inside was a small leather book. It was scorched around the edges and a smear of where a flame had licked across the back cover was visible, however it was still intact. The cover was embossed with the image of a little boy, shadowed by a large menacing looking creature. 

Where in the world…?

Suddenly, a forgotten memory passed over him like a wave. Piercing blue eyes, pale blond hair framing a soft face. 

“Mages cannot be treated like people. They aren’t like you and me.” Those were your words Knight-Captain.”

Her voice, his words. They stung him even now to hear it. The book had been a gift -- no -- a loan. The ramparts of the Gallows. He stared at the small book as everything flooded back. The sun setting against the western wall, the black, gold and white of her robes. Her kind gesture --

Her name --

Eseld --

He went white, his amber eyes wide with realisation. They were the same. The girl from what felt like a lifetime ago and the woman who now lead the Inquisition. It was her. Eseld.

Eseld -- 

He remembered it, the kindly old mage calling to her. “Can’t play anymore,” she had joked, “my mother is calling me.”. She had walked away, leaving him confused and strangely touched. She had shown compassion when so many had shown contempt. Even then, he still had allowed the Knight Commander to continue with her harsh methods, even after that gift of mercy and kindness. 

How could he have forgotten her? The one mage that didn’t look at him like a jailor. Who had spoken to him with words of hope, even after having heard the poisonous bile he used to convince himself on a daily basis he was doing the right thing. She extended a hand and he had forgotten. He tried in vain to blame the Lyrium but it was him, he had allowed himself to forget. 

Convinced it would be easier to just forget one kind mage in order to ensure that the torture of countless others seemed justified. He had told himself that she was an anomaly and that it would be only a matter of time before she too would bend to the pressure of blood magic. Like the rest. Yet here she was, proud and confident. She stood against blood magic with the same ferocity of any Templar he had ever known. Even though she could understand their perspective, she still viewed it as giving up too easily. 

“There is always another way. Always.”

Her words, spoke to the small group of mage children she had set about helping them manage their gift whenever she was at Skyhold, leaving them in Enchanter Farkas’s care when she was not. The older man echoed her words with fierce devotion. A mantra for the children to recite. She would ensure these children knew that there was always another way, a better way. 

Now he sat, feeling like an utter ingrate, having driven her from his mind in order to fuel his anger. He had to make this right. She had been there for him every step of the way as he suffered through the worst of his withdrawal symptoms, forever bringing him potions and salves to help ease muscle pain and promote sleep. She would always come to distract him, seeming to know when he was at his most overworked with a well timed walk or some form of “report” usually an excuse to trade some form of gossip.

She had chosen to care for him, to become his friend and in some ways his salvation, even all those years ago. He had been too angry to see it then, but not now. Somehow, he would show her he remembered --


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

You know we don’t mean it I hope?”

Eseld looked up from a book on Tavinter history she had picked up in Val Royeaux, “I beg your pardon?”

Dorian sat in the armchair across from the window seat where she perched, “when we tease you about Cullen. You know it’s all in good fun.”

Her blue eyes studied his face as she brushed a wisp of her bangs to the side. He looked uncharacteristically serious, “of course I do Dorian. If I got offended every time you teased me about something we would never speak.”

His brown eyes met her own, a bit sadly, “but you do also know that it comes from a place of truth. He really is clearly enraptured by you.”

She sighed, “he really isn’t.”

He sighed as well, and his shoulders slumped, “Sel I am your friend. Why would I lie to you. I see it every time he looks at you.”

She marked her place in her book, closing it a bit more firmly then she had intended. “Because he would have remembered me if I mattered that much.”

Her fellow mage leaned forward, raising an eyebrow, “what do you mean?”

She put the book beside her and sighed, looking down at her empty hands for what felt like hours before she spoke, “he said he was “surprised we never met while he was stationed in The Gallows.” and -- “ she paused, “we did. It was only brief, but -I- remember him. I tried to reach out to him, to make him see we were not the monsters he thought we were. He looked so wounded. The things he said about mages came from a real place. I thought I could help.”

Dorian sat back pensively, “it was a long time ago Sel. Why not just ask him if he does?”

“Because. It doesn’t matter Dorian. Look at him,” she met his eyes resolutely, “he has come so far. Don’t you see? What good would it be to make him remember that place. The things he saw there were monstrous. The things he might have condoned there… monstrous.”

Dorian started to argue, but she raised her hand to stop him, “Cullen has earned at least some peace and I believe that he has it. I cannot force him to reopen those wounds yet again, just for the vain and selfish purposes of him remembering some foolish little girl who thought she could help him.”

Even though she was annoyed, her tone was measured and deliberate. Dorian had always found that trait as something to admire, now it just annoyed him. “You would truly give up a chance to be happy because of what it might do to hurt him!?”

“Yes.” she affirmed sternly.

Dorian sighed and rose, shaking his head, “I know what it is to be afraid of how you feel Eseld. Don’t make the same mistakes I made.”

His words were cast over his shoulder and her eyes widened as she watched him go before looking back down at her book, wanting nothing more then to have some dark hole to vanish into.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still going. Sorry.

The Commander had surely paced a small trench in the floor of his office over the last hour. He wracked his brain on how to confront her about this. He had been such a fool, but making that right was a harder problem to just work out. He couldn’t just give the book to her proclaiming “ta-da” like one would after performing a silly magic trick for a child. He could leave it in her quarters on her desk, but then what of the explanation and apology? 

A note?

Reduced to a schoolboy approach. He had to do better, had to do right by her. After all the times she had done right by him. Something to prove he really remembered and wasn’t making a guess. Something that was worthy of her. It wasn’t until he was well dug into his second hour of thinking when it dawned on him.

The Flats.

Solas had pointed them out to him on a map one day when the elven mage noted that Cullen had seemed restless. He had marked on his map and traveled there that afternoon. It was a bit of a ride, but nothing they couldn’t make in time to see the sun plunge behind the mountain peaks. It was perfect, and for once, when it came to her, he was actually proud of one of his ideas. 

He grabbed his coat and hurried from his office. He had to find her, as he wouldn’t get the nerve to do this again. He stopped one of the messengers that just coming from the main hall. The dwarf helpfully pointed him to the library and he was off again. As he entered into the hall Eseld was moving toward her quarters. Her head was down and she seemed deep in thought. He hesitated.

Do it you utter moron. His brain practically screamed at him. 

He jogged to catch her, gently touching her arm. She started, turning to face him. His eyes met hers, noting as her cheeks flushed. 

“Inquis -- I -- “he paused, “are you alright?”

She smiled sheepishly and shrugged, “a sappy book. I’m a sucker for romance.”

A lie and a bad one. He let it go. He had a pressing matter to attend to and he intended to see it through. For better or for worse.

“I see, “he hesitated, “I was wondering actually if you had some time. I’m afraid I have worked myself into the Void and am feeling like a bear in a trap. I was hoping to go for a ride to the Flats. It’s not far from here and we would be back before it was too late. I wondered if you might accompany me.”

She looked up at him glimpsing the nervousness in his eyes, “I -- I don’t see why not. Frankly, it might do me some good to get out of here for a while.”

Cullen smiled “I shall make the arrangements. Would you meet me as soon as you are ready at the stables?”

She nodded wordlessly and he turned on his heel, heading toward the main entrance. She couldn’t see him, but he looked the happiest he had been in months. He passed word through a messenger to have their mounts ready and returned quickly to his office. He found a soft cloth and wrapped the book in it gingerly, using the same twine to bind the red fabric around it.


	5. Chapter 5

She was already waiting for him when he arrived to the stables. They mounted and were off. As they trotted across the long bridge toward the mountain trails, she eyed him playfully.

“I trust, Commander, that you know where we are going?”

He looked over at her with a grin, “I have no intentions of getting us lost Eseld. It’s an easy enough path.” he paused at the end of the bridge and pointed ahead, “just to the right here, and up through that small forested area.”

She smirked, “seems easy enough. I will meet you there.”

Before Cullen could respond, she snapped her reins as Kerra bolted off ahead of him. He laughed and started after her. She navigated up the path he had pointed to, coming upon the dense woods ahead. She followed the trail easily, dodging the occasional branch. He caught up to them quickly, watching her as she joyfully encouraged the chestnut mare onward. 

“You little cheat!” he teased over the pounding hooves.

She shot him a defiant look and a wink, “you wouldn’t have me any other way!”

He chuckled, “you know me so well.”

They raced along for a few minutes until the woods thinned out. She drew her horse to a halt as they reached a flat stone plateau. It was dotted with boulders both large and small. She looked out over the horizon, her blue eyes wide as she took it in. The sun had began its descent behind the tall peaks of the mountainscape before them, sending beams of purple orange and red shooting into the valleys below. Small clouds lulled across the bright orange orb as it slowly lowered.

It was beautiful. 

Cullen had since dismounted and tied his horse to a low branch, whereupon the steed began to contentedly munch on the grass. He approached Eseld and extended his hand up to help her down. She took it, still speechless from the view the cliffside provided. She led Kerra to the same tree, tying her reins as well before turning to face Cullen as he watched her.

He was the same as he had been back then, his hair a bit straighter, and he looked older, but it was still him. No Templar armour, no sword and no Lyrium. Less pain too perhaps. He seemed much happier now then she remembered him. But it was him. She had gotten at least part of what she had wanted that night. He was better, not fixed, but not broken. He would only get better from here now. She had that comfort at least, even if he didn’t remember her. 

She stepped toward him and he smiled softly at her, offering his arm. She took it without hesitation. Just being close to him was enough. Just being near him was enough. She could live with this. Maybe she had been right and him remembering her wasn’t that important after all. They stood arm in arm, transfixed as the sky shifted colours, sending soft beams of the fading sunlight down into the wooded valley below.

“Cullen… this place is incredible, “she inhaled, “how did you ever know about it?”

He gazed at her, perhaps a bit more adoringly than was required, “Solas pointed it out to me. Said I looked like I needed a place to calm my thoughts. After he heard about the Lyrium withdrawal, he insisted I make a point to come here when I needed to get away.”

She smiled brightly back at him, “it’s beautiful here… Thank you.”

Consciously or not, he inched a bit closer to her, “it’s my pleasure Eseld.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again.

As the sun slowly sank into the west, they barely spoke. Each seemed to simply enjoy each other’s company. He would steal a glance at her every so often, compelled more by her then the scenery. He struggled on how to say what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her everything. To tell her what that night had meant to him, even if it took him years to realise it. That her faith was finally not misplaced that he would get better. That he would DO better.

“You remind me of someone I met once, “he started, “in Kirkwall I mean.”

She turned to face him, “oh?”

Perhaps she had forgotten about it. Perhaps he could come out of this not looking utterly ridiculous, “yes. A mage that visited from another circle. She was charming, defiant, caring and incredibly beautiful. I came upon her atop the western ramparts in the Gallows. Took in a sunset very much like this one.”

She chuckled, her hopes lifting, “she sounds wonderful.”

It was his turn to laugh, “she was. She saw a side of me I’d very much like to bury in the past. She was kind to me regardless of that fact. Told me that it wasn’t my fault I was hurting, but that what I was doing as a result of that was.”

Eseld looked down, “do you remember her name?”

He raised an eyebrow, “SHE never gave it. But it was your name…”

She stiffened, “ -- you remember?”

He sighed and turned now, his arm slipping from hers. He reached out and took her hands in his, giving them a gentle squeeze, “I do now. Eseld… the Lyrium has taken many things from me. My memories more specifically. I had forgotten. But something brought it back to me today. I’m sorry Sel… I am so sorry.”

To his surprise, she was not angry. He waited for her reaction, his heart pounding in his chest so loudly it drowned out everything else around him. She gave him the warmest smile that he had ever seen and hugged him close. He sighed happily, letting his body relax in her arms as he wrapped his own around her. She buried her face into his shoulder and sniffled.

“I didn’t want to ask you.” she admitted, “I didn’t want to take you back to that place. You’ve come so far. I couldn’t do that to you.”

He smiled sincerely, drawing back to look at her, “you can ask me anything…”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we are done...

It was after dark when they returned to Skyhold. They handed off their mounts to the stable hands to be brushed and fed and strode across the yard to the foot of the main staircase. As she moved to ascend the stone steps, he stopped her. Wordlessly he reached into the pouch attached to his belt, pulling out the small package and handing it to her.

“Good night Inquisitor.”

He turned before she could speak again and left, heading toward his tower by way of the western staircase. She looked down at the parcel, wrapped in soft red cloth. It felt so oddly familiar, but she hadn’t a guess what it could have been.

She made her way up the stairs and through the great hall. Dorian watched her from the upper level, noting the content expression on her face.

Someone got the answer they were looking for… he mused, with a genuine smile. 

She made her way through the door to her quarters, and up the stairs. She sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the item in her hands. After what seemed like forever, she pulled at the small neat bow that held it together and set it down, gently unfolding the cloth. As she did, the front of the book became visible. Her fingers touched the familiar etching on the front cover, her eyes welling up. She smiled as the tears rolled freely down her cheeks.

He remembered.


End file.
